The world today seems to have gone radically irrational. We are so polarized about everything that critical thinking is almost nonexistent, and everyone is just spouting the latest soundbites from whatever media they subscribe to without giving a real thought to what they are truly saying.

So, here’s a soundbite: The biggest motivator of human behavior is the need to belong to the group.

This is actually a survival mechanism rooted deep in our limbic systems. We are social creatures who need to belong to a group in order to survive. That was true a few million years ago and, for different reasons, it’s true now. As a group, we depend on our governmental systems to provide our infrastructure – business, social, environmental, and physical. As individuals, we rely on our family, social, and community support systems for our emotional well-being.

The problem is, that this need leads to us being easily exploited. All someone has to do is tap into our fear of being excluded from the group, or being unsafe, and then tell us that they will take care of us and alleviate that fear, and we belong to them. In fact, politicians, business people, and cult leaders will create something for us to fear, tell us they will fix it, and we will follow them forever.

This is true whether it’s an ad telling us we smell bad and need to buy a particular product to smell better; a politician telling us that a particular group is going to take away our freedom, livelihood, safety, etc.; or a charismatic leader who tells us that he has the all the answers and that we will go to hell if we don’t follow him.

Why do we fall for this so easily? Because when fear is activated in the limbic system, our prefrontal cortex (thinking, reasoning, and rational part of the brain) shuts down. We literally can’t think.

Again, this is keyed into basic survival. If we are in actual danger, our survival brain needs to react immediately, without thinking, or we could be killed. That is not the case with the manipulations of those who want to control us, however.

So, what can we do? We can ask, “Does this make sense?”

When you are listening to the news, to a politician, to anyone who telling you “facts” so you will act in accordance with them, first ask, “Does this make sense?”

Does it make sense that every person trying to escape intolerable conditions in their own country and come into the U.S. is a rapist and criminal?

Does it make sense that, despite more than 50 years of scientific study, man-made climate change does not exist?

Does it make sense that someone who espouses hatred and violence follows a religion that teaches the opposite?

When I teach a Research class, I focus on reading research articles critically and questioning all statistics. Who did the research? What were their biases? Who funded the research? Who was in the research sample? What was the hypothesis and was it supported? What were the limitations of the study?

Help bring some sanity back into an insane world. Be an informed consumer of information and make up your own mind.

Be a light of reason in the darkness of fear!

Be In Light,
Carol

I’m sitting here in San Antonio waiting for the solar eclipse. I can’t quite put words to my feelings. I’ve been excited for months, since I first planned traveling here to witness this event that is common around the world yet unique in each area. I had thought that San Antonio would be one sure place where the sky would be clear, but it’s not. It’s been cloudy for the past three days now, so I’m not sure how much of the actual eclipse I’ll be able to see.

Which got me thinking about things that exist that we can’t see. The eclipse will be happening even if it’s behind clouds. The sun will still be there even though it is eclipsed by the moon. It’s all about faith and the “knowing” of the existence of something without the confirmation of our senses.

But do we have extra senses that we can rely on to trust in what we cannot see or hear or smell? Is belief in God or a Higher Power really just “faith” or do we have an extrasensory perception in which we can trust? Maybe it’s about instinct. We are born with instincts designed to keep us alive, but unfortunately, those are often conditioned out of us. Well-meaning adults will tell us our perceptions are misguided, as when a child tells mother that she doesn’t like sitting on uncle’s lap, and mother says, “Oh, but uncle loves you! Don’t hurt his feelings!” The child’s instincts are probably right on and uncle was putting out deviant sexual energy, but now this child will grow up not trusting her own instincts about danger and also putting other people’s feelings before her own.

Instincts may be about foods that the child innately knows are not the best for him but parents force him to eat them. There are myriad ways that parents destroy their children’s good instincts without any awareness of the harm they are doing.

When I worked as a custody evaluator, I had to go into people’s homes to get first-hand knowledge of their parenting abilities. I would often enter a house and think, “This is creepy,” or “There is something wrong here.” I couldn’t say that in my report to the court, though. I had to take time to ask myself, “What am I observing?” I had to quantify my feelings and pay attention to each of my senses. What was I seeing, hearing, smelling, and sensing and what did it mean? I would “know” that something was off, but I had to explain it in a way the judge would not question.

Instincts can also make us cognizant of that which is outside of our consciousness. We are surrounded by electrical signals, energetic vibrations, and spiritual influences that, when we allow ourselves to tune into them, can guide us and enrich our life experiences.

So, is it really faith, or do we have a real ability to be aware of and “know” that someone loves us, that someone is dangerous, that something is “not right,” or something is wonderful, and that a Higher Power is with us? Do we know that the sun is still there and that it will shine again soon?

Be In Light
Carol

Back in 1943, Abraham Maslow proposed “A Theory of Human Motivation” and developed what we now refer to as “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.” The premise is that we start at the bottom of a pyramid of needs and those needs have to be fulfilled in order to work our way up to the top.

‍The Basic Needs, at the bottom of the pyramid, include food, water, warmth, rest, security, and safety. Without these, we cannot progress to relationships, esteem, and self-actualization. We are living in Survival Mode.

How this plays out is that as therapists, friends, or family members who are trying to help clients or loved ones in pain, we will fall short if we are not addressing the suffering person’s level of need.

This was brought home to me recently when I went to visit some friends of my sister’s. They have been struggling with addiction and family relationships for some time, but in the past few weeks, they both had some health issues and leaky plumbing in their house. These latter issues put them squarely in the Basic Needs at the bottom of the triangle. Any discussion about other issues became moot, although it provided some escape.

The addiction was long-term and ongoing, as was the family strife. Efforts to help resolve any of that, even with simple suggestions, were going to go astray. What they needed in the here and now was stability in their living space, rest from their medical problems, and an overall feeling of safety.

As a therapist, it is incredibly important to evaluate my clients’ place in this hierarchy. They may come to me because of relationship issues, or feelings of inadequacy, but if I don’t check to make sure their Basic Needs are met, therapy won’t go anywhere.

Clients may not even realize that they are struggling with Basic Needs. They have been surviving Survival Mode for so long, it’s a way of life. They can’t see the wood for the trees, as we say.

So, begin your evaluations with assessing that Basic Needs are being met, and really pay attention to “Safety.” Many aspects of safety include not just physical, but emotional safety. Help your clients establish their oases and safe places before diving into their psychological and self- fulfillment needs.

Be In Light,
Carol

Are You OK?

This sounds very caring and concerned, doesn’t it? I bet when you read it, you got a warm feeling. This is what people ask when they notice that someone is not looking good, or has just suffered a loss or illness, or they just have a feeling that something is off.

If you have read any of my articles, however, you know I’m going to turn this around lol!

I propose that this is a terrible question to ask. Let’s use “Alice” and “Debbie” as examples. Debbie asks Alice “Are you OK?” with the intention of showing concern and letting Alice know she cares, but it leaves Alice in an uncomfortable quandary. How does she respond?

Alice may be just fine, in which case she is now wondering, “Do I look like something is wrong?” “Do I look tired or sick?”

Alice may actually be feeling poorly or unwell, but doesn’t want to share that with Debbie. So how does she respond?

Alice may be feeling awful, looks awful, and gets angry, yelling, “Of course I’m not ok!” or is too ill to respond and gets even more pissed off but can’t express it.

Alice may have a whole litany of problems that she would love to share, but doesn’t know if Debbie is really interested, or how much she wants to hear.

Alice may take a leap of faith and share something devastating with Debbie, who now has to figure out how to respond and may be overwhelmed, or was never that interested to begin with but is now stuck.

“Are you OK?” is a “yes or no” question, which is the worst when it comes to getting information. Social convention suggests that when Debbie notices something amiss with Alice, she can ask, “Are you OK?” to fulfill her social obligation. Alice will then respond, “Yes, I’m fine” and the social niceties are completed.

The real question is, how much do you want to Connect? This social convention leaves the parties in a state of disconnection. If Connection is the intention, then dispense with “Are you OK?” and instead, say, “I notice you are looking sad. Tell me what’s happening.” You could also say, “I’m concerned because I know you recently lost your dog and that can be really traumatic.” You might say, “I see you’re not well, what do you need?
Any of these statements demonstrate caring and compassion and also open up space for sharing while also providing the opportunity for a response such as, “I’m too tired to talk right now,” or “I’m not ready to talk yet but I’d like a hug,” or “Please make me some soup.”

Finally, it’s extremely important to not invalidate or minimize a child’s intuition when they ask this question. When a child asks, “Mommy, are you ok?” when they are observing Mommy being sad, angry, sick, or crying, the worst thing Mommy can reply is, “I’m ok.” Mommy is clearly NOT OK, but telling the child she is fine will lead to the child subverting their intuition and doubting themselves when an authority figure denies their reality. This can lead to that child becoming an adult who can easily be manipulated, exploited, and victimized.

So, are you OK? Don’t answer that. How about telling me how you’re feeling and what you need?

Be In Light
Carol