How often do you hold back expressing yourself because you don’t want to look stupid? How often does negative self-talk keep you from saying or doing something you want? Did you know this can be part of an addictive process?

Addiction is about stimulation, and fighting is stimulating. That includes fighting with ourselves. How many times a day do you get into an argument with yourself about something you sort of want to do but don’t really? Or argue with yourself about something you think you “should do” but would rather not?

“Should” is a bad word, by the way. It puts the responsibility for our decisions and behavior on an external entity, such as society, a parent, a religion, or just “them.” I “should” exercise, I “should” pray on Sunday, I “should” be nice to my Aunt Sally. We use “should” to control other people, which then alleviates our own insecurities, as in “You should bring me flowers,” “You should call me every day,” or “You should want to have sex with me five times a week.” “Should” leads to guilt or resentment and who says? Change it to “want” or “would like” and you can change your mood and attitude.

When we argue with ourselves, there is a “should” involved, which leads to increased stimulation for the addict brain. When we really dig deeper to find the meaning underneath the surface “shoulds,” we find that special button that gets pushed so easily and leads to anger, resentment, and overall disconnection. That button is whatever message you have taken in about yourself that is not rational but was ingrained at a young age when you weren’t even aware of it. That button is the one that says “I’m a failure,” “I’m not important,” “I’m worthless,” or “I’m stupid.” You argue with yourself because you know, cognitively, that it’s not true, but deep inside your limbic system, you fear that it is.

There are various ways to heal from the traumas that caused you to create that button and there are many interventions to change your responses to events that push the button, but meanwhile, how do you not engage in the mental conflict that is so stimulating to your addict brain? How do you get past the negative beliefs about yourself to just speak up and express yourself?

You say, “So what?” So what if I’m worthless, so what if I’m not important, so what if I’m a failure, so what if I’m stupid?

So what? Float above it like you float above the rip tide.

Dare to be stupid!
(Weird Al Yankovic,)

Be In Light
Carol

The world seems to be a scary place right now. All the predictions about climate change are coming true. There is the war in Ukraine, several African countries, the Middle East, and the threat of war in Asia. There is gang violence the equivalent of war in Central America, Haiti, and countless other countries including the United States. There are animals facing extinction. Environmental disasters, starvation, and disease are all killing people. We have such extreme polarization in our political parties that the promise of our nation seems immobilized.

And none of this is new. Homo sapiens appeared about 315,000 years ago, with some references stating that modern humans popped up about 200,000 years ago. That is us, humans, with a prefrontal cortex, or thinking brain. Our limbic system, or emotional brain, is about 250 million years old. Our reptilian brain, which governs body functions, is even older.

What this means is that although we have had the ability to think and reason and make rational decisions, we often have not. We have used our smart brains to create technological advances that have harmed our environment. We have used our smart brains to create better ways to kill each other in war. We have not often used our smart brains to live comfortably in harmony with nature and each other. We have not often used our brains to improve our lives in fun and positive ways.

You may argue that we have, indeed, used our brains productively and I will argue back that, although we have done a lot and have demonstrated the capacity to make positive progress, we have been severely impeded by aggression, greed, and general lack of Connection that has led us to the problems I stated in the first paragraph.

What gives me hope is when I look at the big picture. We have survived catastrophic events, whether of our own making or not. Almost all of the animals alive today were not here before the last ice age or the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs. We have created amazing innovations that enhance our lives, like the computer on which I’m typing this article and the internet where I looked up homo sapiens evolution.

I look at our political history and see that corruption and greed have always been present and yet we have moments in time when heroes rise up and remind us that there is a better way to live, that we can be more evolved and loving, and that we can truly Connect.

In every generation there are such leaders and role models. There are individuals who hold up a torch for us to follow and who show us who we can be. These are the lights in dark times, the lights when we feel hopeless or despairing, the lights that guide us towards the vision of our best selves.

We can all be a light in the darkness, every day in many ways. Find a way and Be the Light.

Yours in Light,
Carol

Adaptability for us humans can be our greatest strength and it can be our greatest weakness.

We adapted to life after ice ages and cataclysmic events. We adapted to every environment on earth. We adapted to every category of foods - from meat to vegetables to grains, to fungi, to fish. We adapt to adversity and survive, even thrive. We adapt where other species go extinct. This is wonderful and will keep us around till the end of time.

We also adapt to pain, abuse, stress, and unhealthy conditions of our own making. This is not good. It allows us to continue in states of dis-ease. Our limbic systems, or survival brains, adapt by making the abnormal into normal

For instance, this is what happens during the addictive process. When the brain reward system is stimulated to extraordinary degrees, either by drugs or behaviors, the limbic system creates a new baseline of what is a normal amount of stimulation. Unfortunately, it also remembers how good the excessive stimulation felt, and that sets up the craving that is a key factor in addiction.

We also see maladaptive patterns develop in abusive situations. It’s like the story of the frog in the hot water. Throw a frog into boiling water and it jumps right out. Put it in cool water and slowly heat it and the frog will adapt until it boils to death. Interpersonal violence and abuse usually start this way – a victim is lured into the relationship and, when the abuse begins, they make excuses and adapt. Finally, they are living with a level of cruelty and mistreatment that they could never have imagined themselves tolerating.

In any situation where adaptation has become intrinsically harmful, the prefrontal cortex – thinking and reasoning brain – is co-opted into making excuses, rationalizing the irrational, feeling pride in the ability to tolerate pain, and even creating the thoughts that lead to the stimulation.

As a therapist, I see my job as removing barriers to optimal mental health. That means looking at each person’s entire life, not just a section of it, and identifying what is getting in the way of the individual’s goals. How have they adapted to stressors in the past that now prevents peace and joy in the present and future? This involves not just talk therapy, which takes place in the prefrontal cortex, but non-talk therapeutic interventions, such as EMDR or brain-spotting, to get into the limbic system and file the past away on the brain’s hard drive so the individual can make clear decisions now.

I challenge you to explore your own life and, as we approach a new year, consider how you have adapted to the various aspects of your life – family, partners, work, leisure, and health – and make a Vision Board. What do you want your life to be? What kind of person do you want to be? What kind of world do you want to create for yourself?

Then live that life, be that person, and live in that world.

Be In Light

What is vulnerability?

Some will say it is opening one’s innermost self with the accompanying possibility of being hurt.

Some will compare it to a dog rolling over on its back and leaving itself vulnerable to attack.

Some will say that it’s exposing one’s secrets and therefore the ultimate intimate act of trust.

Vulnerability may be voluntary or imposed. When it’s the latter, trust may or may not be a factor. Soldiers whose commanding officer orders them to expose themselves to the enemy are making themselves vulnerable, but their sense of that is dependent on the trust they have in that commander and their own ability to defend themselves.

When couples meet and begin sharing their lives, their experiences, and their bodies with each other, there are degrees of vulnerability. Some will say that full vulnerability is the ultimate state of Connection.

So where is the paradox?

That sense of trust is paradoxical. I can share a secret part of myself with my partner and trust that he will not use it to hurt me. Many people suffer with the betrayal of a partner who did, in fact, hurt them.

But here is the real paradox: If I am totally good with myself - with who I am, with what I’ve done in my life – then I can’t be hurt. Therefore, I can reveal my true self, my innermost being, and no one can hurt me with it.

If I have done my own therapy, healed my shame and regrets, forgiven myself and others, then I can’t be hurt. If I am living as a person completely congruent with my values, then you can’t hurt me.

I don’t have to trust that you will not hurt me. I also will not attract someone capable of deliberately trying to hurt me. The issue of trust evaporates.

That is the paradox of vulnerability.

Be In Light,
Carol